Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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