I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
