Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
