my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
