1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
