What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
