Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
