What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
