I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
