drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
