I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
