I faked an abortion last night.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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