I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
