Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
