Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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