FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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