Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
