If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
