there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
