i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
