I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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