1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
