I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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