apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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