What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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