My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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