i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize