the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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