I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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