woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
