Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
