When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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