I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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