i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
