dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
