I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
