is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
