I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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