dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
