I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
