I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
