call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
