sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
