i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
