remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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