Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
