she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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