i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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