I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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