There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pants are for mortals
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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