hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize