My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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