I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
