There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
