I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
