I wanna bring you to show and tell
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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