remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
