I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
