I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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