dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
